the tangle of an untamed mind

i have a lot to write…later.

there are a few literary characters whom i find more desirable, honourable, interesting, etc. than anyone i know. i stare at pages, trying to wish them into existence. they are compelling people of profound character and humanity. if only i could bury myself in their existence, surround myself with these beings of all things i find admirable. these people, these fictional people posses and maintain traits i respect. their intelligence, confidence, and convictions fortify my own. they seem to have a greater impact on my life than nearly anything else i’d recognize. i find myself thinking in their terms. their words resonate in my mind at unexpected times. i’ve started to laugh at things with them in mind, knowing how they’d react to such oddities or situations. these characters are becoming increasingly real to me. if only we could sit for hours and discuss…everything!

at the same time, i know the faults of such a phenomenon. i need to reconcile the two. ground control to majour tom.

my heart is breaking with every wave. each crash is just a reminder that the water is coming way too far up the shore. the coast is eroding and the water is a nasty greenish brown. there are no recycling bins around here. the pollution, the oil spill…it makes me want to change majours so i can take action about this sort of thing in the future. it’s infuriating. if louis armstrong was still alive today, would he still sing what a wonderful world?

so i’m reading this fantastic book which may just change my perception of the world entirely. it’s engrossing and has everything to offer but it’s also incredibly long. i’m determined to make my attention span last ‘til the end. the last few pages are worth more than the rest after all the struggle. i’ve always been so impatient about reading, but am entirely glad that i have the ability.

i’m still at the beach, but i’ll have LOTS of blogging to do when i get back :]

today, i woke up early to drive people around&do housework like i was told. i did more than was asked, but still got yelled at later tonight. baaaah. my mom was immaturely slamming doors all night & talking to the dog, saying how bitsy is “so lucky she isn’t coming with us.” she’s so sickeningly passive aggressive. if i had been slamming doors, someone would have called me the frick out on it. she tells me to do something&i’m about to do it, then she yells at me to “nevermind.” when i sat down to do something for myself (aka watch bones, which takes less than 45minutes), she yells at me. i had been looking forward to this vacation. i was going to schmooze and there would be sun, sand, etc., but now it just seems like it’ll be a gripefest for the parents. woo, boy! i’m almost too excited to go. i really hope i can be alone most of the time. or they just fall asleep in the sun.

today was fantastic! i visited the latin class and nagurney was there. (HUZZAH!) ricky&i then went to brew haha. i came home, tumblr’d, then cleaned my room. i fell asleep, but dad picked my dear mother up at work. he approved my cleaning&wasn’t mad that i forgot about his wife. i slept through dinner, but finished the yummy sandwich from brew haha (turkey, lettuce, apples, brie, and this honey/nut mixture on multigrain) before heading to the pops concert. (it’s the last concert of the year for my high school.) it wasn’t nearly as bad as i anticipated, but there were some serious intonation issues. the people behind me were really annoying. i wanted to slap them but restrained myself. my friend was sitting with the “correct” person, so i got warmfuzzies over that. &i realized that i really miss classical music. or just…orchestra, band, etc. maybe i’ll start going to orchestra performances or something. during the semester, ny won’t be that far away.

&I GOT TO SEE DAVID!!!!!!! he is INCREDIBLE. he hardly cries except when he wants something. &he’s on a normal sleeping schedule. he is precious. he has such little hands&eyes&a lil’ nose! i got to hold him&push his stroller! &he’s so warm! &he moves! &he’s alive! i can’t believe something so perfect could exist. if i ever have a baby, nagurney is going to birth it. no question.

i just returned from my high school where the students still wait ‘til 2:07 every day (yeah, it was weird) and rush out of class when the bell rings. i didn’t realized just how much i missed some of these people. nagurney, especially. i miss how much she cared about each of us. she still does, but now with her baby&the job search, she’s a little more stressed. i wish her all the best. annie&i collided painfully in the hallway. we talked briefly, but then i urged her to return to class. the underclassmen are all growing up & some of the boys have grown facial hair…mindblowing! chelsea is constant, though. she is centered, and she knows herself. adam lights up whenever i’m there. even if i’ve been there for the entire block, he’ll wave several times and smile. he told me he wishes i was still in high school. i kind of wish i could experience it with him, too. adam has always been so sweet. more teachers are having babies! lohman will be a father!! i can’t even imagine how his child will look. &apparently jamie was looking for me when he visited on tuesday. apparently i didn’t say anything when i was with eric. chelsea&nagurney agreed that he’s not one to extend courtesies if he doesn’t actually want to keep in contact. i wonder why he texted me…apparently, he’s much less keen on babies than he was before due to a car ride with abishai. i can’t say i’m not amused. when we saw him&his brother, they both said, “that’s weird,” with emphasis. i can’t help but wonder why. anyways, the pops concert is tonight, and nagurney is going to bring david. i want to go. did i mention that ricky is as solid, sturdy, dependable, and responsible as ever? the kid is fantastic. he and chelsea are like pillars. they’re so…grounded.

going back to my high school, coming back to newark…it all reminds me that i don’t really belong here any more. i still don’t feel like i really belong at fdu (even if i slip and call it “home” while talking to my parents). it’s nice to be back, but at the same time, i feel a little distant.

anyways, i still have not slept, and i need to clean two bedrooms. my dad has decided to be naggy today.

oh! the job search so far has gone like this:

1) cereal bowl is only hiring for managerial positions.

2) the elc is hiring…in wilmington. it’s way too inconvenient to consider working there.

3) the library isn’t hiring, but told me to apply anyways. it was closed today.

i must say i’m a bit disheartened. i want something related to education or literature, but it’s highly unlikely that i’ll get a job like that. i really don’t want to work in a place that’s swarming with nhs kids.

so while i’m driving my dear, lovely mother to work before 8am, she rants about how nobody helps her around the house. before work, the woman managed to:

take the dog out for 2 walks,

eat,

shower,

feed the dog,

make herself lunch,

do 2 loads of laundry,

clean 3 bathrooms (and when this woman cleans, she CLEANS),

load the dishwasher,

clean the dishes that don’t play nicely in the dishwasher, and

begin prepping for the family trip to the beach.

…it’s not that i don’t want to help with housework. i do, and i’m more than capable of it. however, i’m not willing to get up at 4am to clean toilets&whatnot. maybe if she didn’t do the housework at ungodly hours of the morning, people would be a little more eager to help. i understand she’s a morning person and has the most energy and motivation when she wakes. the rest of the family, however, prefers a slower start. i really do love my mother, but instead of waking up, doing the work, and then complaining that nobody helps, she should just leave a list for me. by the time she came home, everything would be done, and she wouldn’t have to do the work or rant. two dead birds? coming up.

kasiasierra:

That Winnie The Pooh was based on psychological problems? Winnie had an eating disorder, Pigglet had generalized anxiety disorder, Eeyore had major depression, Rabbit had OCD, Tigger had ADHDA and Christopher Robin had schizophrenia.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! my fond memories of winnie the pooh are…tainted! now that it’s happened, i think i’ll promptly repress it from my memory.

okay, tumblr. it’s time to chronicle my goals for the week! (i’m aware that i’m two days late)

1) fix my sleeping/eating schedule. (&eat healthier)

2) apply for a job.

3) help around the house&pack.

4) clean out my closet (this is very tentative)

5) visit nhs/actually talk to people

6) find some way to make mama dearest’s birthday kickbum since i missed mothers’ day (due to college).